“Thwack!!!!!!!” The collision between a travel retail publisher’s less than hirsute pate and the sharp edge of a kitchen cupboard was only going to leave one winner. The cupboard had won by a technical knockout in the first round, drawing blood from its opponent and leaving him dazed and even more confused than is usually the case.
Now when one’s pate is as billiard ball-shiny as mine there is little way to disguise – or stem – the impact of a worryingly deep cut, and so it proved. Normally one would simply wait it out but with me due to open the first Knowledge Hub webinar session at the Summit of the Americas about 45 minutes hence alongside my business partner Dermot Davitt, waiting was not an option. A solution to the by now steady blood flow was required.
I googled to see how boxers’ ‘cut men’ address wounds between rounds, seizing first on the basic option of a cold press – which sounded perfectly suited to a media man like me. Alas no, my human version of China’s Red River began to flow again as if it was headed all the way to the Gulf of Tonkin.
Google also told me that cut men use adrenaline (also known as epinephrine) if a cold towel doesn’t work. No problem there, with a live appearance now due in 30 minutes the adrenaline was pouring like a good Central Otago Pinot Noir. However, my adrenaline was being released into the bloodstream not onto it.
Back to google. Apparently the cut men also use Avitene to accelerate clot formation. Unfortunately, our household stocks don’t run to any active absorbable collagen haemostats and anyway I was already a clot for having walked into the cupboard in the first place. I had some Ovaltine, which sounded similar but surely a popular milk flavouring brand made with malt extract, sugar and whey wouldn’t work. Even where there’s a will, there’s a whey.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. A large Elastoplast stuck on my head would not be good for my already tainted TV anchor man image. It was time to raid my wife’s skincare collection. I found just the thing, a bottle of Clinique anti-blemish solutions, designed I read to calm skin in order to reduce the look of redness.
This might require the full bottle I thought before opting for a delicately placed splodge where probably a medical stitch might have been recommended instead. Still, if my doctor later asked why I didn’t seek help I could always say I had visited a local Clinique.
Twenty minutes to ‘go live’ time and I was ready to join Dermot and my support team on Zoom. Would the treatment hold or would my opening remarks turn into a reprise of the risible Rudy Giuliani’s infamous Four Seasons Total Landscaping post-election press conference as dark hair dye ran down the side of his face in the Philadelphia heat? Moodie Guiliani, The Rudy Davitt Report, I could see the memes already.
Fortunately, where cold presses, adrenaline and Ovaltine came up short, Clinique did the trick. For a brief Andy Warhol-like 15 minutes of fame I was literally the face of Clinique and no-one knew it.
The Summit of the Americas continues today. Barring further accidents to its hosts.